Well. It certainly has been a while hasn't it? Myspace, then facebook, and still not a whole lot of reading going on....but some none the less. But I've kept my xanga. Because I'm too lazy to copy and paste "crap-tastic" and the seven "love rambles" into a word document.  Xanga begins my whole story as a high school student, my personal search for the truth, really bad spelling, and my first prayers. (Mozilla Firefox is the shiznet. automatic spell check) I certainly had to clean up all the creepy out of date stuff.

So, without further ado, Reflection: Who I am won't fit in the 'about me' box.

It seemed to become very clear today, who I was and what I do. It's been known for a while, it just seemed today to suddenly be very clear.  As if what I had been searching for was mine, fully mine.  It's a rather weird feeling, not that I had it, but that I had already found many many things, I had already found myself.  Excuse me for being vague as to what I'm finding. I'm not sure how to word it, just that it's there.

My first wonder is people who are happy being miserable.  There are lots of people who try to kill themselves, who don't finish college, who do half-ass jobs their entire lives, and part of them says poor me, but they never do anything.  A large part of Christianity preaches faith and strength, that with faith anything can be overcome, and if you are not overcomin', then you need to check your faith or you did something to piss off God.

Looking back, I was very happy being miserable and I did things to try to get attention, to try to get someone to hold me, 'love' me, be with me. If someone could be there, I'd be alright.  The problem was, no body was going to be there.  "Begging hands and bleeding hearts will always reach out for more." There's a time to go to a friend, there's a time a friend should be there to embrace, but every day, every week strains a relationship. Sooner or later I didn't care how. I just wanted someone to save me.

That's what I wonder about. Why am I special? Why did I actually want to put a stop to where I was heading, and have the help to do it? Not even that, the help I got wasn't the help I wanted, it was the help I needed and I used it.  It's almost as if in high school I started to become hungry and began to eat what was there, junk food. Junk food is alright, once and a while.  All the time makes you sick, which I was.  Then someone gave me fruit, and I ate it, and I liked it and I wanted it all the time.

I don't care about heaven right now. With a life expectancy of 80, I have  good 60 years. That's too long to think about heaven. I don't want to preach to every person who walks by. I think the biggest mistake is to talk about God all the time.  Having God in everything you do, is different than saying God in everything you do.  When you meet a person, you feel God before they open their mouth. That's attractive. I don't think every person is meant to evangelize and testify and preach. If anything I feel the largest problem lies in the church, not outside.  I strongly believe most of Christianity misses the most important part, misses teaching the most important part.  Christianity is a walk.  It's everyday giving the day over to God, and everyday trying your best to do the day right.  Faith gets you so far, but faith takes action. Like a child trying to help a parent. The hammers the nail, the parent straightens it out, but our nails are not hammered if we don't try and they won't get straight on their own if we don't try. 

I refuse to say I'm a prophet, but if I were to minister or something...I'd go to churches, with people who are already Christian in them, and I'd tell them to start walking.  I'd tell them that God meets them halfway when they go through a walk, and not to take one what they don't need. I'd tell them that Christianity needs to be reformed from the inside and regardless of the denomination, there is more than saying God is good, Jesus died for our sins, and you're going to hell if you don't believe this.  I'd tell them love and truth. I'd tell them to take their heads out of their asses and not be afraid of talking to someone because that someone isn't their idea of "Christian" because Jesus hung out with tax collectors and prostitutes. It's ok to be nice to someone who doesn't listen to Christian music every minute.

I'll be a Quaker. rawr. behold my New England state and Oates.

So another year ends, and another begins soon. Let's recap.

(you can see last years on xanga. The date was may 17)

Themes.

this Year ---- Gag love.
why? the twenty couples in band, three marrages, a promise ring and seven pregnacies.
Last Year -----Foot troubles
it started with a dislocated knee
Freshie year ---doubles
Everyone had the same name. Two amandas, two jamie's, two levis, ect.

New Friends.
Dakota
Tosh.
Phil
Joey
Chili Dog
all the freshman
Aaron Bouma
Melissa (who I met last year, but we didn't keep up til now)
Stephaine
Codi
all those people from Webb City
Chance
Lacy
Bailey
Tay Tay.
Brett
David
Adam "the stud" Blood
Justin
Kyle Adkins
Lyle

Famous Quotes
"wee little green Doggies" ~Jamie
"You gave her an empty box?" Jamie
"You're so gay, you're sperm are female" ~self.
"Hale-freakin'-lula" ~Kyle
"I have a new boyfriend. His name is Richard cause it's long for Dick."
"He's the mother of you child?" ~Mr. Lammers.
"I never heard a girl fart aside from my mom and my grandmom" ~chilidog
"ah, this is my room" "Really? You baught it? How much did you pay?" "a whole nickle!" "Really?" ~Jamie/Aaron
"I'm going to eat this carrot dramatically" ~Cody
"You need to be more felixible" "Is this flexible enough for you?" ~Cody and Codi (while her foot is resting on his shoulder.
"He looked pretty studly" ~Lacy

Things I've learned
hmm. How to deal with people, a bit more
There are times to break down doors, times to pick the lock, and times to talk nicely to the guy on the other side of the door.
Who I am.
Where I should be going?
Cody has a lisp...but it's cute.

What I totally screwed up on.
stupid fatassexgay boyfriend.
Austin.

Things that I did indeed improve on
D.I.
Caring what people think.
Not twisting Kyle's arm in guilt.
Talking too much about Kyle (more recently)

What I'm looking forward to
Asst. Drum Major
Being a senior
Leaving here and going to college!
Another year of Debate.
Jazz Band
Being babtized this summer.
Going to state and nats in Las Vegas baby.

what I don't look foward to.
Still living an hour away from Webb City

 Random Moments.
Alien sex.
I impregnanted Cody
the note Tosh gave me.
The SBAHS party. ("a crap load of walmart pizza" ~Cody)
I LOVE YOU HONEY BUNS!!!! (inster auditorium of people here)
The adventures of Calvin and Hobbs. (yay)
Someone's bra came unhooked in the middle of their D.I. (no, not me)
Wendy's late at night, I was told to stop caring so bloody much.
Steve's going away party. (*mumble mumble*)
That one ice storm, do you remember that?
I BEAT KINGDOM HEARTS!
Taylor and Zack kissed....oh my goodness.
Hearing how Osage Beach kicked Adam's butt.
Many random really good days. Many random good days where you didn't think the day would be good.
Going to state with Lacy. (Kalamari)
(If I have left something out, please make note. I'll add it. Cuase it's not that I forgot, it's that it was lost in the vastness of my mind, Same for quotes)


Debate, one lined tournis.
Kickapoo Tanisha got sick and we sucked. I met Aaron
Webb City  I didn't have to go on Firday. The rooms were cold.
Neveda  The tourni of no sleep and first PF debate. Saw Aaron again
Parkview  I did my DI in a chruch.
Joplin  I got fifth. I ran around a lot
Neosho  um....we all sucked. 'cept Cory. He ruled. I had to do my DI infront of a geomtry class
NFL Districts  I cried. A lot. Sloan was there, Roe was sick, we died.
MSHA Districts  I ruled at poetry! In retrospect
Stuco NFL  go Jerry?
State MSHA  I should have kissed him.

Something Old
Stiggal
Something New
Mr. Lammers
Something BARROWED (it's not bold)
The ACT book...oops.
Something Blue
uh...Kyle's eyes!

What happened between then and now
a recap of last years post
Making less of a scene and getting less upset --- improve...but not done
Realtionships----eh....
Not making people mad----uh...I think I changed people...but Dakota and I stil make up
Eating alone at band camp ---- Success! pity the rest sucked.
speech and debate workshop ----I joined the debate team for cute guys...it went well.
P.E.----so that's what I dropped to take Oral Interp....

Songs, Arstist and Music growth.
Eilsey - Good Golly Sondra (Bailey)
Sherk Soundtrack - - Hallejulah (For Kyle [greatest non-pink floyd song])
forget who - Coin Operated Boy (Stupid fatass exboyfriend)
Fiddler on the Roof - Miracle of Miracles
Fiddler on the Roof - If I were a Rich Man (Juli-uh)
Speak Soffly Love (for Kyle)
Adam and Andrew - Emo Kid (For Cory P.)
All-American Rejects - Move Along (Mow the Lawn) (For Stevey)
Katie Melua - 9 Million Bicicles in Bejing (if only this could be for someone)
Simon and Garfunkle - The Sound Of Silence (David Ellis)
Sharkie and the Hat (LOOK THEM UP) - Two Encouraging Words (for Austin)
Sharkie and the Hat - Wrongdoers Song
Bob Dylan - Most Likely You Go Your Way (And I go Mine) (Gradation song, eh?)
Dean Martin (not new) - Standing on the Corner (sounds like a plan)
Green Day -Basket Case (....I dedicate this to Dakota.)
Muse -Time is Running out (Cody)
Pink Floyd - Time (to Micheal Malcom, cuase he digs it)
Rent - La Via Bohme (to life)
Smashmouth - Walking on the Sun (Teal.....don't ask why)
Venessa Carlton - Twilight (*grumble* To Micah)
dunno - Swing Swing
Sing Sing Sing (to Paul Cook, i don't know why. And the rest of the jazz band)

more later

I wish there was someone who cared about me like you do. Someone who knows me well enough to pick me up when I fall, who is wise enough to speak to me, without saying a word, who's just like you.....

I wish you didn't help me and I could stand by myself.

I wish you were my friend and not my teacher.

I wish I were just like you.

I wish you could fall in love with me, and that I wouldn't do anything stupid.

I wish I didn't need you.

I wish I loved someone.

I wish I weren't me.

I wish I could fly from my prison bars, I wish I were free, I wish I could run far away from here.

I wish I weren't stupid.

I wish you were here.

 

"Insurance isn't eatible"